Which leads us to my final entry.
29 - The Little Things
Some years ago my linguistics professor told us to "count your blessings, every evening!" - he, of course, followed this advice up with "and say your vowels", but that's not what stuck with me :)
Anyway - for quite some time these previous years I couldn't see any blessings in my life. I couldn't see past the pain and the anxiety, and I most of all couldn't see anything good happening around/to me.
Thankfully, this darkness has passed and I've gradually been able to notice the little things, the wonderful -sometimes magical- moments that life throws at each of us randomly, once more.
I still remember the day I got up and suddenly had a song stuck in my head. I know, this sounds like something really bad or at least very annoying, but for me it suddenly brought home a fact about me I had never noticed before: when I'm feeling good, there is always music flittering around in my head. And for quite some time before that day, this music had been missing without me noticing. While I've been dealing with my depression and my anxiety, I've constantly had things running through my head - things about what could happen, what could go wrong, what I did do wrong, etc., but never something even remotely uplifting or happy.
And then this one morning I got up and these thoughts were replaced by a silly song that hopped around in my brain and suddenly I could look out of the window and be happy that the sun was shining. I suddenly looked up and things seemed to be a bit brighter, a bit more friendly, a bit more welcoming.
Since that day, I cherish those annoying songs or part of songs getting stuck in my head. I now know that getting up with music on my mind means that I'm doing well. And if the song stuck in my head keeps me from falling asleep for a bit at night - no problem, I've had a good day mentally, and that's what matters.
These last months, nearly years, I have been able to notice the little things, the joy and beauty that can be found in the smallest things - and I've tried to consciously see them, to look for them and -what's more- be thankful for them. In a way, I finally listened to my beloved professor and started to count my blessings. And surprisingly enough, there are quite a few of them, even on the bad days.
Sometimes it's a beautiful sunset/sunrise, sometimes it's feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin, sometimes it's a squirrel crossing my way, and sometimes it's the people I meet.
Typing this, I remembered an incident when I was in London nearly 8 years ago. We were doing the most touristy things possible and after a visit to the Tower of London, we simply HAD to see the Tower Bridge. I remember being dead tired on my feet after days spent walking around the city and nights of very little sleep. When we were ready to go up to the walkway there was a nice elder gentleman checking our tickets and - I still remember it as if it happened yesterday - when he gave me the ticket back, he smiled at me and told me to "have fun, sweetie". I'm sure he's said the same to hundreds or thousands of people, but this nice gesture lifted my spirits and stayed with me over the years. It's been the first time ever a stranger has called me anything nicer than "miss" and while it surely was nothing more than an empty phrase, it really made my day then.
It's the little things, the things that are often completely meaningless to others, that brighten our days, that spark our passions and that make us happy.
This Fandom Fest made me take a look at the many things that I have and which I love. It's been a real joy to take the time to think about things that are oftentimes overlooked or just so "normal" that I don't notice them any longer. I've had great fun doing this, and I'm thankful I decided commit myself to this reflection.
And before I post my last entry, I want to thank everybody who actually read me posts ;) - yes, that's you, silvan_lady and gattodoro! *hugs*