New Job, New Obsessions ... New Me
Mar. 14th, 2014 04:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amrunielThe title really says it all...
I've got a new job that really is way out of everything I've ever done. I'm quite intimitated by my own courage, horribly afraid that I will fail, and pretty sure I'm in for more than I originally thought *sigh*
But really - it's a challenge, it's possibly something I could be really happy doing (if I get the hang of it...), and -most of all- it's something that earns me good money.
And another plus - this job requires me to actually turn on my computer every day - which is (at least partly) why I'm back here... I've tried to keep an actual journal (you know, that thing with pages made of paper and stuff...) but failed horribly after some weeks (hiding that thing and my writing from my noisy family got too much of a strain quite soon), and now that I'm forced to actually use my computer on a daily basis I turned back to the only journal I've ever kept for longer than a few months.
Another reason why I'm back here is my newest obsession - my new fandom *throws hearts* While I've been reading far and wide, I've come back to LJ time and time again, so I've been spending quite some time here without actually being here...
Oh yeah - my newest obsession *giggles*
First of all - I'm horribly late. As always :D I guess most of the fandom has moved on by now, but hey - I'm in NOW... and it really has the advantage of me being able to read tons of great fiction, fiction that actually exists in all its glory - there's no need to wait for the next book or movie or whatever and being afraid of this new instalment changing everything (I'm still really, really, really pissed that Rowling wrote such a shitty book 7! *grrr*).
The fandom I'm babbling about? Well... don't sue me, don't freak out - I've actually gone on to the "dark side"... I'm deeply in love with LotR-RPS *sigh* my pairing of choice? VigOrli -of course.
I really thought I'd never do this, I'd never, never, never go back to any fan-related stuff centred on real people. I've had my share of RPS when I was much younger, and had to endure the very uncomfortable situation of getting to know the person my teenage-obsession revolved around, the very person that featured heavily in my fics then... I swear, I've died a thousand deaths and prayed to every deity imaginable in order to NOT have this person connect the dots and come to the conclusion that me = the author of some of the stories out there about him. As far as I know, they listened ;) But trust me, after experiencing this, I swore I'd never go back to RPS of any kind...
Well... I was wrong. Obviously.
I kicked and screamed, I begged, I swore... and yet, I've been pulled in and I'm enjoying it! I'm SOOOOOOOO enjoying it!
And this new obsession really brings us back to the last part of the title - my new life.
New might be pushing it a bit, but yeah... my life.
I've been through a lot these last years. First my psyche totally fucked up. I've picked up some very inconvenient anxieties along the way - crippling, life-changing fears that made me retreat back to my family, into a self-imposed imprisonment at home where I felt only marginally safer than outside. And along came some pretty bad depressions, that didn't make things better or easier to handle.
I struggled, I failed, I tried to pick me up again, I failed, I cried, I survived full-blown panic-attacks, I dreaded every waking moment, I struggled some more, I failed again, I was panicky, afraid and tired in a way I've never been before.
I've had my brushes with depression before, but never on a scale like this. Never combined with additional mental problems. And for some time I really couldn't see anything worth fighting and living for.
And since bad things usually come in pairs, my body decided to join in the fun at some point and developed some food intolerances and what not... Stuff that absolutely feed into my anxieties and for quite some time everybody told me that my physical problems were just my body's reaction to my mental crisis. I've been riddled with stomach-pains on the scale of a nice Cruciatus for nearly 2 years, until finally somebody took me and the symptoms seriously and diagnosed me with intolerances. Since then, things began to perk up a bit.
First my physical pains got better (while I still struggle with NOT eating all the stuff I'd love to eat... but really, sacrificing good food in order to not have excruciating pain is worth it all), and after finally changing my psychologist after 2 very unsuccessful years of therapy things in that department did start to get better too...
While I'm still not recovered and fully "me" again by a long stretch, I'm so much better that I'm fairly optimistic to be able to build a new life from here. I've actually booked by first vacation in 3 years a week ago - just thinking about going away for more than a few hours would have been enough to send me into a panic-attack just some months ago. Yeah, things really do look better at the moment.
And now, you're probably wondering - why the connection of VigOrli and my problems?
Well, as I said somewhere above, this is hardly my first brush with depression - and when I thought about what helped me coping before, I actually realized that my first step into fandom (about 10 years back with LotR) was in fact a way of coping then. I've been losing myself in a very different world then, picked up writing, found new friends and new things to concentrate on, things that made me happy - and I figured if it helped me once, I really should give it a try again... And so I stepped back into fandom once again at a very bad time, and hell... it worked its magic once more :)
Whoa... I've actually written much more than I originally wanted to... somehow my "I'm back and try to stay here once more"-post got a life of its own. Well... okay... why not :)
I've got a new job that really is way out of everything I've ever done. I'm quite intimitated by my own courage, horribly afraid that I will fail, and pretty sure I'm in for more than I originally thought *sigh*
But really - it's a challenge, it's possibly something I could be really happy doing (if I get the hang of it...), and -most of all- it's something that earns me good money.
And another plus - this job requires me to actually turn on my computer every day - which is (at least partly) why I'm back here... I've tried to keep an actual journal (you know, that thing with pages made of paper and stuff...) but failed horribly after some weeks (hiding that thing and my writing from my noisy family got too much of a strain quite soon), and now that I'm forced to actually use my computer on a daily basis I turned back to the only journal I've ever kept for longer than a few months.
Another reason why I'm back here is my newest obsession - my new fandom *throws hearts* While I've been reading far and wide, I've come back to LJ time and time again, so I've been spending quite some time here without actually being here...
Oh yeah - my newest obsession *giggles*
First of all - I'm horribly late. As always :D I guess most of the fandom has moved on by now, but hey - I'm in NOW... and it really has the advantage of me being able to read tons of great fiction, fiction that actually exists in all its glory - there's no need to wait for the next book or movie or whatever and being afraid of this new instalment changing everything (I'm still really, really, really pissed that Rowling wrote such a shitty book 7! *grrr*).
The fandom I'm babbling about? Well... don't sue me, don't freak out - I've actually gone on to the "dark side"... I'm deeply in love with LotR-RPS *sigh* my pairing of choice? VigOrli -of course.
I really thought I'd never do this, I'd never, never, never go back to any fan-related stuff centred on real people. I've had my share of RPS when I was much younger, and had to endure the very uncomfortable situation of getting to know the person my teenage-obsession revolved around, the very person that featured heavily in my fics then... I swear, I've died a thousand deaths and prayed to every deity imaginable in order to NOT have this person connect the dots and come to the conclusion that me = the author of some of the stories out there about him. As far as I know, they listened ;) But trust me, after experiencing this, I swore I'd never go back to RPS of any kind...
Well... I was wrong. Obviously.
I kicked and screamed, I begged, I swore... and yet, I've been pulled in and I'm enjoying it! I'm SOOOOOOOO enjoying it!
And this new obsession really brings us back to the last part of the title - my new life.
New might be pushing it a bit, but yeah... my life.
I've been through a lot these last years. First my psyche totally fucked up. I've picked up some very inconvenient anxieties along the way - crippling, life-changing fears that made me retreat back to my family, into a self-imposed imprisonment at home where I felt only marginally safer than outside. And along came some pretty bad depressions, that didn't make things better or easier to handle.
I struggled, I failed, I tried to pick me up again, I failed, I cried, I survived full-blown panic-attacks, I dreaded every waking moment, I struggled some more, I failed again, I was panicky, afraid and tired in a way I've never been before.
I've had my brushes with depression before, but never on a scale like this. Never combined with additional mental problems. And for some time I really couldn't see anything worth fighting and living for.
And since bad things usually come in pairs, my body decided to join in the fun at some point and developed some food intolerances and what not... Stuff that absolutely feed into my anxieties and for quite some time everybody told me that my physical problems were just my body's reaction to my mental crisis. I've been riddled with stomach-pains on the scale of a nice Cruciatus for nearly 2 years, until finally somebody took me and the symptoms seriously and diagnosed me with intolerances. Since then, things began to perk up a bit.
First my physical pains got better (while I still struggle with NOT eating all the stuff I'd love to eat... but really, sacrificing good food in order to not have excruciating pain is worth it all), and after finally changing my psychologist after 2 very unsuccessful years of therapy things in that department did start to get better too...
While I'm still not recovered and fully "me" again by a long stretch, I'm so much better that I'm fairly optimistic to be able to build a new life from here. I've actually booked by first vacation in 3 years a week ago - just thinking about going away for more than a few hours would have been enough to send me into a panic-attack just some months ago. Yeah, things really do look better at the moment.
And now, you're probably wondering - why the connection of VigOrli and my problems?
Well, as I said somewhere above, this is hardly my first brush with depression - and when I thought about what helped me coping before, I actually realized that my first step into fandom (about 10 years back with LotR) was in fact a way of coping then. I've been losing myself in a very different world then, picked up writing, found new friends and new things to concentrate on, things that made me happy - and I figured if it helped me once, I really should give it a try again... And so I stepped back into fandom once again at a very bad time, and hell... it worked its magic once more :)
Whoa... I've actually written much more than I originally wanted to... somehow my "I'm back and try to stay here once more"-post got a life of its own. Well... okay... why not :)
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