The good, the bad, the ugly...

[amruniel]

Well, today life sucks.
Big time.
And simultaneously - not so much.
*sigh*


The bad?
My relationship of 8 years is crumbling. Hard. And Fast. And I have no fucking clue whatsoever how to fix things.
And I have no fucking clue about what's really happening either. Or if it is really that bad. Or any clue at all.
The experience with love I have is solely based on fictional romances. Fictional relationships is all I have to guide me through this mess, and I suspect that's not the best advisor around. *sigh*
I'm really stuck here. I really am. And I really don't know how to go on. How to find any solution that doesn't change everything I hang on to. Fuck.

As any long-term couple we've had our good times, and our bad times. And with me being a head-case for the last years things have been strained, to say the least. But I've really felt that we were doing better lately. Not roses-and-hearts better, but better none the less. And now? Now I don't know if I can (and want to) go on like this.
Yes, I'm hurt. Yes, I'm angry. Yes, I'm disappointed.
And I'm sad, fucking sad.

I don't want to go on like this, I don't want it to end, I don't ... I really don't know what I want anymore.
The only thing I know is that I can't talk about it. At least not with the one person that I SHOULD talk to. Fuck. This is all so messed up. Hell...

And the irony? It all came down today because of the good part of the day.
Fate really is a cruel bitch.

So, the good part?
As I said before, I'm entangled in a job I'm not really sure I'm able to pull off successfully. Or rather - a job that really is way out of my league. But I'm fighting, I'm trying as hard as I can, and I've really started to like it.
I've taken a strong liking to the project, I'm really ready to see it kick off successfully, and I sure as hell want to be part of this - I want to make it soar.

"It" (and I want to leave it at that at the moment) is a small internet start-up that has -at least in my eyes- quite some potential. Yeah, we're engaged in something that has been done before, quite successfully at that, but we've added a new twist to the whole thing. Without wanting to sound conceited, our products is actually the best out there at the moment. Yes, others are more successful, better known, more widely used, but we have the technological advantage. We can integrate media in a way that all the others cannot. So yeah - I really think the potential is there.
My part in this endeavour is the Social Media aspect of the project - spreading the word about it, writing for our Facebook and Twitter accounts, writing blog entries,... Or at least that's where we started 3 months ago. Since then I've moved on to be the "girl for everything" - I am (or try to be) the link between what users want and need and "them". Them being my co-workers that are all from an IT-background. They are the ones that made the project more than just an idea. They've spent years by now programming, developing, integrating new and exciting ideas and opportunities - and that's exactly the problem. They all come from a highly technological point of view, they are great in what they do, but they are -as most professionals- a little out of touch with what a user wants and needs. I, however, am an IT-moron. I know how to start up my Laptop, how to look up things, write things, make some basic graphics, etc. Normal stuff. Stuff that we all can do. I am strictly a user.
And in this position, I'm the one constantly telling the guys (yeah, I'm the only girl in this project, on top of it all) what they should concentrate on, what really needs to be done to get people to use our product, etc. I'm probably a little annoying to them by now.

Well, not probably. I'm pretty sure about it, if yesterday's meeting is any indicator. We've spend 4 hours quarrelling. Or, rather, I've been trying to make them see what I feel would increase participation rates on our project, while our main programmer tried to make me feel stupid by pointing out why all I had to say would cause problems and surely isn't really necessary and how he'd rather concentrate on more important, highly and confusingly technological stuff. Stuff that might make him happy, but really would make no difference for our users in the end. I've explained, pleaded, quarrelld, held my ground as well as I could and left the meeting feeling like an enormous jerk that can't do anything but piss off his co-workers.

I am struggling with self-confidence issues at the best of times, and yesterday made me feel like I'm the biggest bother in the world that makes everybody unhappy by simply existing. My point of view was obviously not appreciated and I really had the feeling that I won't be in the job for much longer if things went along like that.

Well - and now the bummer. My boss called today, asking me if I could accompany him to our graphic designer tomorrow in order to check her work and talk about what needs to be done next, because (and I quote him here) "I want you along, and no one else, because I really think that you are the only one at the moment who has solid and valid ideas about what needs to be done and where to look and work harder in order to take the next step".
Yeah. You probably can imagine how happy and proud I was. I really thought I've fucked this up by simply being me. Again. I've been told a million times that I can't do anything right, so often that I am believing it by now. Being told by my boss that I am valued, that I am doing things right and that I am needed... well it was just amazing and something I would have never expected. Not after all the bullshit I had to listen to yesterday.

And that's where things began to take a turn for the worse. Ecstatic as I've been, I called Himself the moment my boss disconnected and told him about what had just happened.
His only (and I really do mean ONLY) comment was "uh-huh".
No "I'm happy for you", no "I'm proud of you", not even a "great". Nothing. Just fucking "uh-huh".
Yes, he was on the verge of taking a nap, yes he was tired, but really?! Uh-huh?! A simple "great" would have been all I wanted. Something. Some type of recognition. He fucking knows that I'm yearning for any kind of recognition. He knows that I'm struggling, that I feel out of my depth in my job. He knows how happy hearing this made me.

And guess what? HE's the one pissed. HE's the one who's angry with me. HE's the one that feels misunderstood. Because I dared to mention that I'd loved to have any other reaction that his bored and I'm-not-interested-and-I-don't-really-care "uh-huh".
And -of course- it went all downhill from there.
Yeah. Now I'm the bad girl once again.

Just fucking great. And so typical for our relationship lately.

Well, I really should stop thinking about it. Brooding doesn't help matters at all. And I really should get myself into bed... 4 hours sleep is - well not nearly enough, but the least I should get in order to think straight tomorrow.


Well... tomorrow's another day, I guess...